Whether your marriage or committed partnership ended as a result of harmonious consent, agreed discontent, or infidelity forcing a change, the question of when and how to begin dating often looms large. If you have been partnered for any significant period of time, the prospect of dating again may be downright daunting. The way things are done may be completely different. The pacing may be foreign. The whys and wherefores seemingly a mystery.
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Sure, some people find a new partner at their local bar, in the elevator, when their car breaks down, or because they dropped their coffee rather inconveniently. However, the reality is that, for most people seeking to re-partner, this is likely going to require some targeted effort. The amount of effort required seems to increase commensurately with the number of children you share with your Ex, the extent of your involvement in co-parenting, the demands of your current employment, and the sheer availability of other potential partners due to your proximity to an urban environment. Feel free to add any factors, personal to you, which might increase the likelihood that a targeted effort may be required.
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It may seem tempting to jump immediately to prepping that online dating profile. Possibly, though, a better course for increasing your odds of success for your dating effort is to take an unflinching assessment of yourself and ask the question: Am I someone that I would like to date? This might lead, in turn, to a number of smaller, more targeted questions: Is it time to get serious about that gym membership? Would investing in a few new pieces of updated clothing that actually fits be advisable? What about a haircut? Are there other areas of personal hygiene that need a tweek? What about your outlook on the world: Can you get through a conversation without a sarcastic reference to your ex? Are you defensive or hypersensitive to others’ perspectives on you or your behaviors? Have you developed yourself personally in anyway since parting with your Ex with, say, new hobbies, interests or travel? Have you worked on your “connecting skills” by deepening any relationships with friends or family?
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If the answers to these questions are mainly no, success on the dating apps could be slow to come. Because first and foremost, it starts with presenting the new you. If this new version of yourself is not one that you would find pleasant to spend time with, how can you realistically hope that someone else will want to do so? Taking the time to get yourself into a good place emotionally – through your everyday, reflection, or formal work in therapy – will be worth it. You attract what you put out there.
Towards this end, there may be a few easy things to add to your daily routine. How about a daily gratitude journal: Write it down, every night. This exercise will help you see the good things around you, even if this whole situation you are in was not of your choosing. Or how about being mindful of the people you encounter each day who contribute positively. Even if you live alone, there are folks that make your day better. The Starbucks barista. Your neighbor who holds the door when your hands are full. Your best friend who checks in to hear what’s new. And what’s on your mind these days, anyway? Developing more focus and awareness towards the potential in front of you, rather than the past behind you, can do wonders. Life can be as different as you choose for yourself. Taking the time to prep up for your new future will get the ball rolling in the right direction.